I've been thinking about mothers and motherhood a lot, at first I thought it was God trying to tell me something - now I think it's because Mother's day is coming up, a huge portion of my friends are with child or have babies, and my actual Mom is 8,361 miles away assisting mothers with birth - and maybe God's trying to tell me something.
I've been imagining the love I might feel for a child of my own - it's overwhelming, just to think about. Esspecially when I think about it getting to the point of not wanting me around all the time, I don't think I could handle that.
Then I think about the love my mom and dad must feel for me... it's humbling.
I wasn't always the greatest kid to my parents. I said things I regret, I kept them at arms-length (mostly in my teen years and early college). Now I have all the freedom and independence I could hope for and all I want is to curl up with my mom and have her read to me.
As I grew up I read to myself, I didn't play with her hair, I craved distance from my insane family. I left our home in Malta at age 17 to live in Eureka with family friends and go to Community College. I still missed my mommy so much it hurt. The freedom I fought for came at a price.
I remember lying in bed the morning my mom left on a plane back to Malta, not knowing when I would see her again and the tears gushed. That first year was really hard but I still saw her at least every six months or so.
This last bout of separation has been the longest I can remember. She left for Australia to do a birth attendance school in June of last year and won't be home until June of this year. Which isn't far away and we are both counting down the days. Between now and then is her 50th birthday and mother's day - I hate that I won't be with her for either of those special days.
It's been so fun to grow up with her as my mom. She's gorgeous, has a beautiful voice, cooks better than anyone in the world, is the best artist I've ever met and now, I'm sure, she's the best at catching babies there is. Yet, she's a flawed sinful person, just like me. I love being so close to someone and seeing the image of their creator and rejoicing in that glory - while acknowledging where we as humans fall short.
In my teens and very early 20s I saw my mom's sins, her short-comings and her flaws and I was so upset. I've since balanced that understanding of her humanity with the essence of the divine that lives and breathes within her. She is beautifully and wonderfully made in God's image and I am so privileged to be her daughter.